More than just a feeling…

How does anxiety manifest in you? Here is my story of one day in my anxiety ridden journey.

I woke up today and I was good, I was calm and totally going to own today. God and I had a nice talk before I even got out of bed… I did fine for a few hours.

I redid my home office and got so much work done, then one text I felt like I said the wrong thing to a friend… and my overthinking started, a canceled lunch date with someone I didn’t really even want to eat with and anxiety reared it’s ugly head.

I am at a stage in my life, I never thought I would be at and I am so unsettled. I had everything a woman could want great job, grown, successful kids, two dogs, two cars, home in suburbia and a the best friends any woman could ever want….

My marriage was always on the rocks, we fought addiction issues from day one but I loved him. He was my prince in shining armor. When we were good, and the addiction was under control, we were the best. We had our family and relationship prioritized. We still fought the normal marriage issues – money, schedules, not enough time for sex, not enough time for each other with all the kids activities.. we had 5 together… taking care of aging parents.. etc.

The addiction took over and I was going to stay for the family, but I was checked out mentally. I was mad and bitter. During the 2020 COVID quarantine, he asked for a divorce 3 times and every time I said yes, but we just kept going.

After the 3rd time, I filed. Third times a charm for me!

So fast forward 7 months after filing we are divorced and everything blew wide open recently. There has been no time to heal and work through any “phases”. Everyone always ask me what phase I am in? I am in the holy shit… can I get through the day without feeling like my chest will explode at some point? I am sure there are phases of grief.. that you go through, I am just trying to get through the week.

Today, I drove my friends crazy with my overthinking and sadness, it just went from one to another. My friends are angels, though and they virtually held my hand and loved me!

Anxiety is a bitch.. she makes me terrified I will lose what little I have left… she will not win today, I am leaving her here.

Counting my blessings – there are so many.

If you are struggling today, reach out to a friend. Write it down, give it to God. Cuddle your fur baby. Call your mom!

Anxiety is a lie.

Graceful Corona Chronicles

What you are thankful for during this COVID 19 this quarantine crisis? Today I have found thanks in not being, my “normal” busy.  I slept a little later and didn’t feel pressured to rush my morning.  Pre-COVID 19, I would’ve been in Kansas City today at an AFMA Conference, I would’ve been moderating discussion tables and attending learning sessions while being sad that I was missing my daughter’s last volleyball tournament of the season.  I was sad, my Kansas City trip was canceled and sad about all the loss of tournament time for my mini, but I am grateful for so much more today!!!

person holding white ceramic mug with lemon near book and sliced bread on white comforter
Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery on Pexels.com

We had a nice, quiet rainy morning! I got some conversation time with my husband.  I put up laundry, and I got to slow down and think!! Hence, this blog.  What can I do with all this time? Of course, I have work Monday – Friday, but Saturday and Sunday with no practices, tournaments, scout activities, and 1000 other obligations?  I can churn out a blog on gratefulness, I did 40 minutes of yoga, I am listening to Disney princess tunes on Amazon Music and feeling the music!  My mini and I ran errands without any human contact which felt like some sci-fi movie.  We drove up to Michael’s and they brought out my order of sidewalk chalk and needles, drove through the pharmacy and picked up meds, did some porch pickups of masks, and a rocking chair.  So I guess, we did have “some” human interaction but not like we normally do.

So my blog, thank you for reading the first post in so long, I am ashamed to even look at the last time I posted.  I feel like my creative energy is resurfacing do to the availability of time and no hurry to go anywhere, for which I am ready to embrace.   I read this great quote today and it said, “You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page.  You can’t edit a blank page.” by Jodi Picoult.  That really made the think and hence write, Thanks Jodi ♥♥

I have also put more effort into prayer for my colleagues, friends, and family. Naming names and trying to cover my children and family medicine family in prayer.   It’s the greatest tool I have, it also turns my fears over to God. 1 Peter 5-7

I have also started to use an app called Marco Polo which lets you leave little messages for friends or chat in videos with friends, my millennials and Gen Z readers call this Snapchat which I also use but I feel Marco Polo is more Gen X friendly.  Any take on the different feelings about the two apps?

So many topics in my first blog in months… oh wait, I see another chicken!! Who is a Rachel Hollis fan out there?? Me, me, pick me!! I have joined Rachel and Dave’s #next90daychallenge at the Hollis Co.  I am also “trying” to get up an hour earlier every day, drinking 80+ ounces of water a day, move my body for 30 minutes a day, and practicing gratefulness through journaling…. oh and I gave up one food, diet soda, so hard, but I am succeeding.

Wishing you all love and glittered grace! In the comments tell me what you are thankful for and what you are getting to do that you had put on a back burner?

Stay home, wash your hands, don’t touch your face, and use this time as a gift…

Some actual pics from today!!

Why Glittered With Grace?

Why is my blog named Glittered With Grace? I wanted something that reflected who I am.  Writing is my escape, what heals me, and brings me peace and helps me find grace.  I have a depressive personality, charming I know.  It is a daily battle of bible reading, praying, and knowing that God meant more for my life than the heavy feelings I carry.

In comes the glitter, which by definition means – to shine with a bright, shimmering, reflected light – the light of our heavenly savior is how I envision it.  I am also a proud Texas woman and southern, where glitter is like face powder and macaroni and cheese at a potluck on Sunday.  I believe all women shine with strong feelings – happiness, sadness, excitement, grief, etc – all the emotions glitter off of us and we emanate them to our surroundings and family.  I want to emanate to my family and surroundings the feelings of hope, joy, and grace.  Don’t get me wrong all the other feelings – sadness, anger, grief – I do not want those hidden, I teach my family that we need to feel our feelings and express them to run the full gamut of the emotion for any given situation but with grace.

My family is in a season of grief right now.  We lost a great man last October and every holiday, gardening season, special event (we had a beautiful baby boy born to my son this year), we hurt from the sting of him being gone.  We talk about how happy he would be or what his advice would and also about how it just sucks, that he isn’t here.  We cry and let the tears fall…. and as I tell my beautiful oldest daughter.. fix your makeup and keep on moving.  That is what he taught us!

The first thing I ever wrote personally outside of high school was this great man’s obituary last year, it poured out of me like I was bleeding tears and God told me to start writing, he has been leading me here to this Glitteredwithgrace. My last words to the greatest man I ever knew Uncle, Father, Husband, Provided, Godly Man

I have shared a couple of definitions of glitter and grace below, looking up words is always eye opening to me… take a peek.. and come read more of my crazy, blessed adventures.  Happy Sunday!

Glitter

 1. shine with a bright, shimmering, reflected light.
  1. “trees and grass glittered with dew”
    synonyms: shine, sparkle, twinkle, glint, gleam, shimmer, glimmer, wink, flash, catch the light;

    • shine as a result of strong feeling.
      “her eyes were glittering with excitement”

noun

noun: glitter
  1. bright, shimmering, reflected light.
    “the blue glitter of the sea”
    synonyms: sparkle, twinkle, glint, gleam, shimmer, glimmer, flicker, flash; More

    “the glitter of light on the water”
a glint in a person’s eye indicating a particular emotion.
“the scathing glitter in his eyes”
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grace

noun
  1. simple elegance or refinement of movement.
    “she moved through the water with effortless grace”
    synonyms: elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; More

    suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness
    “the grace of a ballerina”
    • courteous goodwill.
      “at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her”
      synonyms: courtesy, decency, (good) manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact

      “he at least had the grace to look sheepish”
      antonyms: effrontery
    • an attractively polite manner of behaving.
      plural noun: graces
      “she has all the social graces
  2. 2
    (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
  3. a short prayer of thanks said before or after a meal.
    “before dinner the Reverend Newman said grace”
    synonyms: blessing, prayer of thanks, thanksgiving, benediction

    “who would like to say this evening’s grace?”